


No Shape for Driving

by minkhollow



Category: Iron Man (2008)
Genre: Gen, sweet charity 2009
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-04-08
Updated: 2009-04-08
Packaged: 2017-10-02 07:22:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minkhollow/pseuds/minkhollow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony pushes one too many of Pepper's buttons, and she quits.  Tony's a while in admitting he knows what he has to do to get her back; hijinks ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Shape for Driving

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Sweet Charity; the request was Iron Man gen.  
> I am not Marvel; I'm just borrowing out of love.

It's been a year.

It's been a year since Tony was kidnapped, and he doesn't have a damn thing to show for it. He couldn't actually stop the weapons production in his own factory, not once Rhodey sat him down and pointed out he'd be leaving the American soldiers who rely on him hanging. For every terrorists' weapons cache he manages to destroy, another three or so spring up. He's kept the suit to himself - well, and Rhodey - but people still think he should do more with it, stuff that he doesn't want to get into because it'll cause even more paperwork for Pepper.

Of course, on that front, his going public _gave_ her more, but he figured standing by SHIELD's obviously flimsy cover story would be more of a pain in the long run.

He wakes up hungover from a party the night before and starts drinking it off almost immediately. It's a Saturday, not like it matters how drunk he gets. But by nightfall, he's restless.

"Suit me up, Jarvis, I'm going out."

_"I am afraid I cannot do that, sir."_

"Why the hell not?" Tony finishes his scotch of the moment, and pours another; it's probably a wonder he hasn't just started drinking right out of the bottle, but he's going to do his scotch justice if he's drinking it. "I programmed you to do what I tell you. So suit me up already."

_"You also programmed me not to allow you into harm's way without due cause, sir. I have every reason to believe that flight in this state would endanger both yourself and anyone else who had the dubious fortune to be in the air at the same time."_

"Jesus. Okay, okay, fine, if you're going to be like that, I'll take a car."

"No, you won't, Tony."

He stops, and turns toward the stairwell. "Pepper, when the hell did you get down here?"

"A couple of minutes ago, which you would know if you'd been paying attention to something other than your booze collection. You are _not_ going out like this. You're too drunk to control a car."

"Take it up with Jarvis. 's why I was trying to get the suit out."

Pepper just looks at him, then says, "If that's what you're set on doing, then I quit. I mean it, this time. I can't... I can't watch you self-destruct like this."

"Oh, come on, I'll be fine--"

"Then you'll have to be fine alone, for a while." She sets her Blackberry and ID card on a work table. "If you can keep yourself sober enough to know when you're too drunk to drive, I'll come back. But not before then."

Tony watches her go upstairs, sits down at his desk, finishes his scotch, and passes out.

***

He wakes up hungover the next day - and sore; apparently, he slid out of the chair overnight.

_"Good afternoon, sir,"_ Jarvis says, a little more icily than Tony thinks is really necessary.

"Stop shouting." He tries to sit up, but that doesn't work out so well. "Tell Pepper to put some coffee on, would you?"

_"I would be more than glad to do that if she were here to ask."_

"...Shit. She did leave, didn't she."

_"She did indeed, sir. I believe you would be wise to take her parting words under advisement and moderate your alcohol intake."_

Tony snorts. "I don't need _help_ with my 'alcohol intake.' I'm good at taking in alcohol."

_"I believe that was her point, sir."_

"Shut up."

Eventually, Tony gets himself off the floor and into his bedroom, after a pit stop by the kitchen for about five glasses of water. He can totally run his own life, no problem. It can't be that hard.

***

That was Sunday. By Wednesday, it's glaringly obvious that Tony needs someone else to do his paperwork. He just doesn't have all the information in his head - or on Pepper's Blackberry, it turns out - and there's a lot more of it than he thought.

Even if Pepper _did_ confirm he's up to two digits of his Social Security number, not long before... before.

Anyway, Wednesday night, he finally gives in. "Okay, Jarvis, find me some help."

The display in front of him changes to a list of rehab centers; Tony scowls. "Not _that_ kind of help, the personal assistant kind of help."

_"Indeed, sir. I was simply suggesting the most efficient means to go about the process."_

"I don't need rehab, Jarvis. I need a personal assistant. To assist me. Personally."

Possibly he's a little bit drunk, but that's all right.

Jarvis changes the display, after a pause that would probably include a long-suffering sigh from an actual human. Tony starts sifting through the options.

***

The first girl's a little more bubbly than he's used to, but Tony thinks he can live with that. After a week, though, Jarvis says he has reservations about the girl's dedication.

"I didn't even know I programmed you to _have_ reservations. What makes you think there are some to be had?"

_"She asked me yesterday how much time elapsed before you and Miss Potts..."_ Jarvis trails off, but Tony can connect the dots for himself.

"Okay... no. I don't hire people I want to sleep with, as a rule." With Pepper, that's something of a lie, but Tony isn't going to force the issue. He found out the hard way a long time ago that she wasn't interested, and he's not going to bring it up unless she does.

_"All the same, she seemed a bit dismayed when I informed her of the fact."_

"How _did_ you know I hadn't just taken her somewhere else, anyway? I mean, obviously your sensors would have picked it up if we had here, but."

_"If you had engaged in such conduct, the ambience between you would have changed greatly, sir."_

"Never looked at it like that, but you have a point. Anyway, you still have that list handy? I think I should start looking again."

***

He thinks the second one might work out, even though she seems a little overwhelmed by the workload. While she's around, another issue comes up, in the form of pay day.

Pepper's still on the payroll, and Tony can't bring himself to take her off. For one thing, she _did_ say she'd come back eventually, so she'd just have to fill out the paperwork all over again. For another... well, she hasn't had a real vacation in way too long - and knowing her, she's filling her time with someone else's busywork.

(He thought she'd had one, at first, while he was held up in Afghanistan. But she quickly disabused him of that notion when he got around to asking how things had been in his absence.)

He decides, in the end, to just treat it as her taking all the vacation time she's let build up, over the years. It's comforting, seeing her name still in the database.

***

A month after Pepper quits, Tony's hiring his fifth attempted replacement personal assistant.

The second girl ended up being a _lot_ overwhelmed by the workload, though she did last nearly a whole pay period - which isn't too bad, for someone who isn't Pepper. The third one suffered the same kind of burnout even faster, and the fourth... well.

The fourth girl had many and varied objections to his lifestyle, the sort that make sense about most people, but Tony has never been one to take seriously. She really didn't like the parade of girls - and that was only three in a week and a half, which is practically a snail's pace, for Tony.

Pepper, at least, didn't hold it against him.

So he hires number five, and thinks maybe it'll work. She doesn't argue about herding the girls out the door, she doesn't seem to be in it to put the moves on him, and she doesn't burn out after one pay period. Maybe the fifth time's the charm, and he'll be all right.

He tries to ignore how disappointing that really sounds, on closer inspection.

***

It's nearly a month before Personal Assistant Number Five proves to be a bust. When she does, Tony has good reason to be glad he gave Jarvis a hookup in his office at the plant; any other day, Tony might have been at home, but there was a meeting in the morning that he couldn't be at by proxy.

So anyway, he's sitting in his office, minding his own business and playing Minesweeper with no small trace of irony; the Jarvis console he installed by his desk lights up just after he wins a game.

_"Sir, I have reason to believe your presence is required here again."_

"What makes you say that?"

_"Miss Watson is attempting to access payroll information. Her attempts are showing a particular interest in Miss Potts' records."_

Tony pauses, clicking on a box on a new Minesweeper screen; it blows up. "Yeah, I'd say that's a pretty good reason for me to check back in. Think you can keep her distracted for another half an hour or so?"

_"At this rate, I could keep her otherwise occupied indefinitely, sir. And we are both well aware that, given your driving habits, you will likely be here before that half hour has elapsed."_

"True. Still, I figured a buffer for traffic was in order. Keep her tied up, Jarvis. I'll be there as soon as I can. Thanks for letting me know."

_"Of course, sir."_

Tony sighs and gathers his keys, letting one of the plant secretaries know on his way out that something urgent came up. This is technically true, and anyway, the big important meeting's over. Even if it wasn't, though, he'd probably drop everything to investigate this.

The girl could do some real damage to Jarvis, if she's not careful.

***

When he comes in, he finds the girl scowling at a terminal, occasionally poking at the keyboard. He waits a while to see if she looks up, then says, "So why do you think you need to be nosing around in the payroll, anyway?"

The girl jumps about a foot. "What - how do you - who told you I was here?"

"Jarvis."

"...The computer. How could the computer - it shouldn't be able to _do_ that."

Tony smirks. "Underestimating Jarvis was your first mistake. And probably your second and third mistakes, too. Anyway, you never answered my question. Why are you nosing around in the payroll when I certainly never told you you had to?"

"Why are _you_ still paying your old assistant?" she snaps back. "She doesn't work for you anymore."

"She... has a lot of vacation time coming. Even if she doesn't eventually come back. But that's not the important thing here. The important thing is that you've violated my trust and made an attempt on my computer."

The girl scowls at the terminal again. "Not like I actually _got_ anywhere. That programming doesn't make any sense."

"Of course it doesn't. Do you think I'd rely on someone else's programming for this personal of a setup? Anyway, you have a choice. Either you leave under your own power and don't come back, or I call the police - which I'd rather not do, since this is a tricky situation to explain in terms of how I caught you."

She looks like she's about to protest some more, but she leaves. Once she's gone, Tony sighs and sits down at the terminal she'd been poking at.

"All right," he says. "Jarvis, do you still have that rehab list? I've had enough of this run-around."

***

There's a lot of media fuss around the fact that Tony Stark actually checked into rehab, but that's no surprise. Tony has a press conference - all by himself - to say it's just because he realised something had reached a problematic point, and it was about time he did something about it.

He knows he's not going to be able to stay completely sober, no matter what anyone tells him. When it comes down to it, he just _likes_ alcohol too much to avoid it altogether. But he's got better self-control than he's been using lately, and it's about time he got back to that point.

Three weeks after he checks into the rehab program, he's in his living room, reading over some schematics one of the other engineers sent his way - it's not a bad concept, but it needs a little work. He's halfway through scribbling a note in the margin when the doorbell rings.

"Who is it, Jarvis?"

_"Miss Potts, sir. Shall I let her in?"_

"_Yes_. You don't even have to ask."

Pepper looks better rested than he's used to seeing her, though Tony's sure she's found some way to occupy her time; he can't imagine Pepper doing absolutely nothing.

"I see you managed not to burn the place down in my absence, sir."

Tony grins. "Do you have that little faith in me? The biggest problem was trying to find someone who could fill your incredibly stylish shoes. Turns out that's pretty much impossible."

"Well, I did say I'd be back if you turned yourself around - and if the media blitz is any clue, you have."

"Figured a minor blow to my dignity was worth it, if it brought you back. I have to ask, though - why'd that freak you out so much in the first place? I thought you were more unflappable than that."

Pepper sighs. "My father... got drunk too often. When I was in college, he killed himself, my mother, my younger brother, and two other people because he went driving in that state. I think seeing that sort of thing once in my life is more than enough."

"...Ouch. I'm sorry. I... had no idea."

"Nor did you have a reason to. Not like I ever talk about it. So, since you kept paying me for work I wasn't doing, I assume you've got my access card and Blackberry around here somewhere?"

"Still in the garage," Tony says. "I think Jarvis has the most recent version of my schedule, to get you back on top of things. Hope you enjoyed your vacation time, such as it was."

"So that was your logic. I'd wondered. Will that be all, Mr. Stark?"

"Yes, Miss Potts. That will be all."

Tony goes back to the schematics, feeling more at home in his own house than he has in weeks.


End file.
